1. Bad Conductor
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
2. GO GITCHA MOMMA
A redneck family from the hills were visiting the city and they went to a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
"Boy..................go gitcha Momma............."
3. if I die before you
One day there was a couple sitting at a table discussing life. The lady asks to the man if I die before you will you re-marry? The man replies yes. Will you live in the same neighbourhood and house? Yes, because it's a nice neighbourhood and a very nice house. Will you sleep in the same bed? Yes because it's a very comfortable mattress. Will you let her use MY golf clubs? No because she is left handed!
4. The Three Government Contractors...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament house.; one from Wellington, another from Christchurch and the third, from Kaitaia.
They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Wellington contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Christchurch contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Kaitaia contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Kaitaia contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Christchurch to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
5. The Weather Report
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of
Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
6. Wal-Mart and Husbands
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the Anti-depressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously. While loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when People browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the Loud speaker, he assumed fetal position and Screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
7. Need Assistance? Call The Help Desk
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
8. Right Click
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
10. Speed Limit
A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that’s the highway number."
Nun: Oh, I’m so sorry, Officer, I didn’t know that."
Then the police officer looked into the back seat and saw that the nuns there had panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What’s wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."